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Lately I have been so confused. What do people want.

I don't understand happiness one bit. I feel like I could be extremely sick but still be so happy. It always seems like people want something they don't have but once they receive it they take it for granted and want something else. Once they get that thing, it's on to something new.

My father has been sick lately. I try to talk to him everyday but sometimes I can't call him because I am afraid he is going to tell me his test results from the hospital and I will be faced with a truth that I don't want to know. Somehow I feel like avoiding the situation all together solves it. Today he stopped into my work to see me. To see him walking around and smiling made my day. I love this man more than anything. He is my best friend and my number one support system. No matter what happens that will never change.

I don't have any structure what so ever to this whole blog thing and thought I would never make one again. The most difficult thing I think about making a blog is that you know exactly who reads it. So in some ways that alters your entries. This no longer makes it accurate because you are trying to dance around peoples feelings. That's why actual diaries are better because they hold the one thing that a blog cant which is truth. I am not going to tell anyone about this blog and still it will not be riddled with truth because I know someday Alison will find it and read every last entry of it. I guess that's why I am trying to keep my grammar so neat, just for her.

She really is... something. I have never met someone that can make me so angry and so ecstatic at the same time. I have always been somewhat a forgiving person, but with her I am more forgiving than I ever have been. I learn a lot from our experiences bad and good.

Today I was driving home from work and I was thinking about my experiences since high school that have been memorable. Things that can make you smile just by thinking about. I would say that Alison was involved in almost 97% of them. I sometimes wonder if she thinks the same thing. Hanging out with my friends is a blast but my friends have drifted so much since I met them in high school. They are still my best friends but we have different interests we have different opinions. With her we are almost always on the same page. To have someone so similar is amazing. Having a best friend like that has always been one of my dreams. I have made many friends in my new city but none like her, and I will always hold her above my friends here. I won't lie though, the distance between us has damaged us badly. I try to hide it sometimes, I think we try to hide it sometimes. When we talk now I feel our priorities are completely opposite to each others. We used to see each other every day and now we are lucky if we get a few hours every two to three weeks. When we talk though it feels nice, its comfortable. I base a lot of decisions on if it would disappoint her or not, because really I know I would be disappointing myself. She is my conscious. I relax I feel like I can finally tell my thoughts to someone who can relate and agree with me on my recent states. She is my pencil and paper, she is my diary.